I previously mentioned drama with my ex. I knew this day would have to come eventually. Honestly I am now sitting here wondering if I am scared of your judgement. For real tho, who the fuck are you to me? I tell people daily to do them, without fear of the judgement of others. Does that make me the biggest hypocrite ever? Yes it does. I absolutely hate hypocrites. That is another story for another day….
I send myself notes daily, to remind myself of my thoughts. I wrote today “am I scared of someone judging my undeveloped thoughts?”. I was thinking about my previous blogs and realized that those are all written after the fact. I told myself last week that I need to blog in real time, because I am present with the emotions and feelings of said situation.
I told y’all that I would write about my relationship situation last week. I have been avoiding that topic for awhile now. What am I scared of? Who knows….
This last month has been a very reflective time period for me. I have been thinking about what is important in my life, what things I care about and want in my future. I have also been talking to a lot of people in relationships. I wanted to find out why people date, why people get married, what keeps them together over the years. I was honestly saddened by the things I heard. Most of the responses I got involved “well this person is attractive and we share similar interests”. Those 2 things are enough to get married, or at least to devote years of your life to? I’ve been waiting 33 years to find someone who shares my interests? No fucking way. Good things come to those who wait, and I honestly believe that.
What about soulmates? I asked quite a few people about their relationships and I never once heard that term….
Is this just me? I’ve met people and knew instantly that this person and I share a deeper connection. I’m not talking specifically about relationships here, more about the spark that exists between 2 souls.
I recognized a pattern that exists in my life today. There are many people whom I meet, gotten their contact info and then never really see. I don’t know if its me, them or the universe. The point is, I have many people in my life whom I’ve ‘known’ for years but never talked to. Then, one day, I get brave enough to talk to this person and we instantly become great friends. Why don’t I just introduce myself and become friendly immediately? Why do I wait? Why does the universe wait for our connection to develop? I just have to trust in the process, everything works out in its perfect timing I guess.
This is all skirting the topic…. my relationship situation. I sat down and was very honest with myself today. Most people say that looks and common interests are their most important qualities in a mate. I have always known that my #1 most important quality in the woman with whom I will spend the rest of my life with is character. I care about her true heart and soul more than anything else. That is where my thought process ended, I never took it further. Today I came to a very important realization. The #2 thing that I am looking for in a woman with whom I will spend the rest of my life is being open minded and eager to explore the world around us.
I was a very repressed child. At the age of 5, my mom purchased a piece of land back in the woods. She built a gate on the driveway, and shut us off from the world. I was her first child, and raised to be very independent. I do not mean to offend, this comes from a perspective of outside observation, but single first-time mothers have not a single goddamn clue what they are doing. I do not know what the reality of my moms situation was back in 1985. I just know that she raised me to be independent, to figure shit out on my own, without giving me any love or nurturing that a young child needs. That right there has effected me to this very day. I am 33 years old and I just admitted to the universe that I have no idea what it means to love, or even what it means to accept love from others. Love has never been a part of my reality. That is a fucking sad thing. Love makes the world go round….
All these years and I have only had a couple of relationships, never lasting longer than 9 months. In 2014 I hooked up with Katie, a girl whom I had a crush on for years. It was a serious infatuation, my first love, all that bullshit. She broke up with me the day after my birthday…. We aren’t even going to start the story of the multiple reasons why I already had a strong distaste for my birthday. Jesus this blog could go on for years. That was the first breakup in my life that meant something, and subsequently almost killed me. My silly religious background saved me. I don’t know if this is something in the Bible or something I heard in church, but I remember hearing that those who commit suicide go straight to Hell. We aren’t going to get into the definition of Hell in this short story, but hopefully everyone can agree that it would be a terrible place.
I shut myself off from the world for the next 18 months. I remember going to social gatherings, and not lasting 20 minutes before I left in tears. I would observe couples having a happy time, laughing together, enjoying the company of others and not being able to cope. Why wasn’t this a reality for me? Why couldn’t I be happy like them?
That period of time was the worst, darkest period of my life since I had left the evil crutches of my “family” at the age of 18. Why do I put the word family in quotes? Unless you were in my shoes, living my reality at that moment, you cannot judge. My 2nd step dad had no love for me. He went out into his woodshop and created a spanking stick for me. This goddamn psychopath drilled holes and then used the router on the edges to smooth them out, he sanded it, loved it, created it for the distinct purpose of inflicting pain upon my ass. My step dad is a very troubled individual, who himself had an awful childhood. I hear that his own father was abusive. I don’t actually give 1 single fuck. A man is someone who stands up and says “enough is enough, it ends here”. My 2nd step dad is not a man, he is a coward. I hope you can tell by my insistence to call him “2nd step dad”. I have referred to him as such since I was a child. That has always thrown people off. Society is used to hearing a child mention his step dad, but not used to hearing a child very specifically refer to their “2nd step dad”. I have always and will always want people to know what a fucking piece of shit he is, was, and always will be.
I sound very resentful in those sentences…. You don’t even know my story, don’t judge me.
So I was raised by a piece of shit dude, what does that have to do with relationships? Well absolutely everything. We learn how to love from those who were supposed to love us as a child. It should be obvious by now that I did not have a good example of love from the male perspective. My perspective of love from the female perspective was skewed by the fact that my mom didn’t nurture me as an infant, and then didn’t stand up for me against my piece of shit 2nd step dad. How could she choose to love a man who was so horrible to her first child? I still struggle with the answer to that question.
People have always judged me because I refuse to associate with my family. 3 days after I turned 18, I cussed my 2nd step dad out (with all 3 cuss words I knew growing up in the church my whole life) and left the house. I had recently acquired a cell phone, and told all of my friends that I would literally murder them If my Mom found out my phone number from them. Throughout my 20’s, I attended a few Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners at home. I finally came to the realization that I have no time in my life for those who are toxic. I do not care about “family”. Family is what you make of it, not those whom you had to spend your childhood years with or who gave birth to you.
A lot of firsts are going on here. This is the very first blog I have written with background music going on. I usually prefer silence so that I can clear my mind. I might have, but cannot confirm, having had a few shots of tequila beforehand. I am going shot for shot with a friend over text….
Life isn’t perfect. Life isn’t easy. Life is also what we make of it. I spent today working on my Rabbit. This is the very first car I ever bought, the very first thing I ever “loved” and committed myself to. Being raised without love, I ended up transferring those emotions to my possessions. I can feel that same passion and love today. The Rabbit is my car, and no one else’s. There are people I know who I won’t ever allow to ride in my car because I don’t feel like they will give it the respect it deserves. No one else will be allowed to drive my car. What does that say about my life, and my relationships? Why did I allow my Rabbit to sit in ruins in my backyard since 2008?
Oops, there goes another shot of tequila….
These posts are for me more than anything. I finally realized the way I am able to best process my thoughts, by involving all of my senses. Think it, write it, see it, read it, hear it. I challenge you to do the same.
Why are we so scared of self improvement? Here I am in front of you, working in improving myself in real time. I am laying all my thoughts out into the universe, unsure of where they will lead. I know that by getting these thoughts out, I am closer to realizing what they mean. Do not keep things bottled up. That creates such a fear without ourselves. Everyone needs a creative outlet and this is just one of mine. God damn I just poured my heart into this, and that is such a scary thing. I can’t afford a fucking therapist, so this is my therapy. I am just writing for myself here, I have no idea who the fuck reads this anyway….
I have a tattoo on my right arm that says “drive fast, live young”. It means so much more to me than those 4 words. I need to fully live each moment, and to fully enjoy the present I need to make peace with the past. This is my journey, you are all along for the ride. I hope you enjoy hearing it, or learn something from it….
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